Grief can be transformed, and joy does exist in unexpected places.
As I mentioned in an earlier post a student of mine passed away. In that same week three colleagues lost their fathers, the company one of my parent's works at is slowing going under, and my depression seemed to be slowly suffocating me.
Grief and sadness were ruling my life. And I just felt like letting them. I was tired. Tired of fighting them. Tired of acting happy, in the hopes that it would make me feel happy. It wasn't working. I shared with a couple trusted people that my depression was feeling a little worse. But I didn't share how bad. Some of them read this blog, so they knew, but I didn't tell them.
Someone shared Psalm 30:5 (the second half) with me.
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.
So while my heart, my mind, my soul and my spirit were weeping... joy was to come in the morning.
One night at my house it was just my dad and I; mom was out of town, my brother was at work. And for some reason I decided not to retreat to my mini-apartment in the basement. But to sit by the fire and watch a movie. We watched "The Count of Monte Cristo." A movie I own, but hadn't seen since it came out years ago. But I am really enjoying the new TV show "Revenge" which is based off that book. So I thought it would be fun to see the movie and compare. For two hours I was not sad.
The next day, I told myself that I could do this. I could overcome the pain, the loneliness. Then I heard the song "Used to the Pain." While much of the song does not apply, I could relate to the majority of the chorus:
No I won't go so far as to say that I'm fine...
I'd like to believe in the healing hands of time.
But the truth is I really can't say,
if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.
So while I'm not sure if I really am feeling better, or am just getting used to the pain. Feelings and insecurities that have been there for so long. But I need to find the happy. I took the time to look back through my happy list the other day (something on my 101 in 1001 list was to make a list of things that make me happy). And I remembered how many things in this world can make us happy. And even if that happiness lasts only a moment, we can look around and find it somewhere else.
Because it's there just waiting for us. In unexpected places, joy can be found.
Where have you found joy lately?