Sometimes I find it hard to find those words. So instead I shut down. Especially in situations where I'm hurt, frustrated or angry. How do you find words to communicate what your feeling, what you need without hurting someone else? Without rocking the boat?
I've been practicing lately. And that's truly the only way to say it. There have been a small group of people who I've been trying to be more transparent with. Not totally open, because I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to be that vulnerable. But I'm trying.
In doing that I've realized some things about myself. Some things that I would have maybe rather not noticed because now I need to deal with them. Insecurities that are deeply rooted. That feel like they go to the core of who I am. Wondering at that elusive answer to the question of "Who am I really?" (That might be one of the hardest questions life asks us.)
When we really communicate with someone, when you expose that vulnerable part of yourself, when you share with someone you trust and you can't stop the tears because they come from deep inside... that's when you can learn something pretty big about yourself. Sometimes you like what you find, sometimes it shows you how much growth and learning you have to do.
But regardless it's important. Important to look deep inside yourself. Important to continue to grow as a person. Important to continue to understand where your life is headed. Important to communicate.
I wrote this post awhile ago. To be honest I don't even remember when. But it's funny, because I've sat here trying to take time to write and nothing has worked. But I started thinking about the open communication I've been trying to do lately. It's hard, I don't like it. I'm noticing some changes though. A little less heaviness after conversations, like a weight is being gently lifted. It's still sometimes there, but it's not as oppressing as it once was.
I guess lessons like this are ones that we need to learn again and again. Because, communication is constantly changing.
Remember, there are always things in life that can wait.
But the world keeps spinning.
The sun will rise, the days go on.
Many things can wait, but The Sunset Won't.