Saturday, January 26, 2013

Talking to Myself

I realized today that I've been pretty awful towards someone lately.  Unfairly.

At school, I had the conversation with a colleague that sometimes I am "too nice" with one of my classes. It's a group of hooligans who need that second (and sometimes third and fourth) chance.  They need to know that I care, and that I'm not giving up on them.  That I celebrate their success, and push them.  But at the same time, I can't hold their hand.  I can't do the work for them.  I've already completed middle school, and have no desire to do it again.

I also have this friend, who really did a number on me and trusting friends.  But when bad things have happened to her in the last year, as soon as I've heard I've contacted her.  I'm not going to just not care.  I can't completely turn that off.  It takes time.

But I have been a horribly rude, negative person.  Towards...

... well, towards myself.  I've had this "self-talk" as my I.P. shined a light on for me recently.  I tell myself over and over that I'm not ___ enough.  I'm too ____.   I don't deserve XYZ.  I'm stuck where I'm at because that's all my life will ever be.

I look in the mirror and am not often happy.  I listen to myself talk and sometimes think I'm ridiculous.  I compare myself to others, or to this image of what I think I should be.  What I think I want to be.

There are things that I'm holding onto.  That I've got tucked into my heart and soul.  Things that, while are important to who I am, are also probably not the best things to hold on to.  They need to be processed.  Digested.  Talked through.  Made sense of.  Something I am realizing I don't think I will be able to do on my own.

But my first step, my first step is going to be to change this internal message, this self-talk, that I'm giving myself.  Because what I continue to inundate myself with.  The messages I play over and over. Those are becoming my reality.  And I'm not sure it's a reality I want to be in.

So, I'm hoping that I can start talking to myself a little nicer.

Easier said, perhaps than done.

There are many things in life that can wait.  
But treating yourself with respect, lending a helping hand,
being a friend and 
The Sunset Won't.

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