Last January I tried to think of a word. A word that would represent my year. My 2013. I tried for a few days, then a week to make sure I chose the right word.
I would select a word, then my resolve would waver and I would think of something else.
Finally, it hit me. Reclaim.
Back in January I wrote:
Somewhere along the line I read the word reclaim. And it hit me. This.
This seven letter word just might be mine. ...
I'm going with my gut reaction. And that is to stick with reclaim.
I may not quite know why yet.
But my word for 2013, my light through the tunnel, my path through the woods... is reclaim.
To remember where I was going, where my head spaces was at when I chose the word I had made a note for myself. A goal of sorts perhaps, now that I look back at it.
The note was this:
Reclaim my career. My health. My hope. My faith.
My life. My social life. My happiness. My depression.
No. I'm not teaching social studies, which was… is… my dream.
I thought this was my last year for tenure, and it's not. But I am teaching.
I took the necessary steps to get a reading license so that as a new teacher I could find a job.
But I have a job. One that I am fairly confident will be there for awhile.
I have had a year, in retrospect of mostly good health. A bout of the flu, a cold, and a migraine every 4-6 weeks is all I have to really think about for the year. I have found ways to manage some of the illnesses that have plagued me over the last few years.
My depression, while not gone, is under control again. It isn't hindering my life at the moment. And it is a beautiful moment.
While my faith wasn't "reclaimed" as I had hoped, I have to believe that the fact that I want to believe, and I want to be stronger in my faith is a step in the right direction. Feeling like something is missing is a heck of a lot better than not missing it at all.
My social life isn't what I had pictured either. But I am living with a roommate in a cute duplex.
As I sit here typing I realize that I have made progress in regards to my happiness. Big progress. I stuck up for myself at work to get into 6th grade for the year. I have a full time job. I moved out of my parents place. I am trying (though not always succeeding) at seeing friends more, at making new friends, cultivating the relationships that I have.
Perhaps I haven't reclaimed everything the way that I thought I would. But life is a process. It's a series of bends and curves in the road, and occasionally there's a roundabout just to throw you off. However, I am on the way. I am happier. I am realizing that who I was in the past isn't who I have to be in the future. But it doesn't mean that I should cut her out of my life completely. The person of yesterday wasn't bad, and there is a place for that person in who I am and who I will be.