Whether it's a job, a partnership, a friendship or an institution like a church. There is freedom in letting go. In leaving. In walking away.
I am typically someone who doesn't share my opinion with others. At least not very easily. I get anxious about how it will be received. And if it will be thrown back at me. I saw my value in the way others saw me. In my facade.
I've made a couple big decisions in the last couple weeks. One of them is to leave the church home. It's the church I was baptized in, confirmed in, worked in, volunteered in for all of my life. But there have been missing pieces.
I go and it feels like there is a hole in my cup. There is a pitcher that sits there ready to fill it back up. But for me the pitcher remains empty.
It was and is a nerve-wracking idea. Particularly stepping away from the youth group and specifically the leadership team that I've worked with for 5 or so years now.
Where I will go next I'm not sure. I have another VBS job lined up through another church, so perhaps I will check that one out. I have a list of congregations I'd like to visit. But in my own time.
Because it's possible that I need a break from Church (big C) just as much as I needed one from church. I need to figure out what I believe and why I believe it.
I need to know that there are communities that value all and not just a few. I need to know that the mask doesn't matter. I need to know that I can be who I think I am, or who I'm discovering I am, and not who people think I am or should be.
So after many many weeks and months of toying with the idea I'm leaving my church.
To those of you that read this and have worked with me there. Thank you. I know that I will miss the leadership team a lot.
As for that other decision... well I'm not sure I'm going to share that one just yet.