Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Cloud

I don't know if it's the weather (snow in MN on May 3rd, a few nice days, a few ridiculously hot days and then rainy and gross and cold) or something else.  But the clouds are moving in.

I can feel them.

I can feel them covering me.

Surrounding me.

I don't know when it started, or if it was forecasted.  But I can tell you when I heard the sirens.  The blaring sirens over head.

My mom asked me to sing to my Oma today at her Nursing Rehab.  To which I responded, "I'm not good.  No."  She told me to have confidence (earlier I had told her I felt really fat).  And I, for the first time in a long time, was honest and said something like, "I can't.  I can't think of anything I'm confident in.  That I like."

I can't think of one thing right now that I like about myself.

I feel especially fat.  Not good-looking.  Not super smart.  Disorganized.  Self-centered.  Like a Debbie Downer.  Alone.  Lonely.  I could go on and on.  But the one thing I can't do is thing of what I like about myself.

Isn't that RIDICULOUS!

Then I feel bad that I feel so bad.  That I'm so sad.

My mom says, "then CHANGE it!"  Like it's a magical thing.  A switch that I can flip.  That I can magically like myself.

In my head I know there are things that I can do.  Things that I can change.  But knowing, is so much harder than doing.  So much of what I could do (going to a gym, eating healthier, getting clothes that make me feel good, taking time to do things I enjoy) takes money.  Money that I just don't have.

Perhaps I'm afraid.  As I sit here... writing... the thought that pops into my head is what if that doesn't change it.  What if I put in the effort, the time, give up things I enjoy and I still don't feel better?  Then what?  What does that say about me?

The answer isn't something that I know.  Something I understand.

I also know that there have to be things that I am good at.  That I like.  That I can be confident in.  That I can appreciate about myself.

However for now, the clouds linger.  There is a haze with a forecast that doesn't say if it will dissipate soon.

But I hope that the sun will shine through.  That it will brighten up the day.

I want it to.  I know that it will.  Soon.

Remember, many things in life can wait.  But the sunset won't. 

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