I can feel them.
I can feel them covering me.
I don't know when it started, or if it was forecasted. But I can tell you when I heard the sirens. The blaring sirens over head.
My mom asked me to sing to my Oma today at her Nursing Rehab. To which I responded, "I'm not good. No." She told me to have confidence (earlier I had told her I felt really fat). And I, for the first time in a long time, was honest and said something like, "I can't. I can't think of anything I'm confident in. That I like."
I can't think of one thing right now that I like about myself.
I feel especially fat. Not good-looking. Not super smart. Disorganized. Self-centered. Like a Debbie Downer. Alone. Lonely. I could go on and on. But the one thing I can't do is thing of what I like about myself.
Isn't that RIDICULOUS!
Then I feel bad that I feel so bad. That I'm so sad.
My mom says, "then CHANGE it!" Like it's a magical thing. A switch that I can flip. That I can magically like myself.
In my head I know there are things that I can do. Things that I can change. But knowing, is so much harder than doing. So much of what I could do (going to a gym, eating healthier, getting clothes that make me feel good, taking time to do things I enjoy) takes money. Money that I just don't have.
Perhaps I'm afraid. As I sit here... writing... the thought that pops into my head is what if that doesn't change it. What if I put in the effort, the time, give up things I enjoy and I still don't feel better? Then what? What does that say about me?
The answer isn't something that I know. Something I understand.
I also know that there have to be things that I am good at. That I like. That I can be confident in. That I can appreciate about myself.
However for now, the clouds linger. There is a haze with a forecast that doesn't say if it will dissipate soon.
But I hope that the sun will shine through. That it will brighten up the day.
I want it to. I know that it will. Soon.
Remember, many things in life can wait. But the sunset won't.