I've written posts before about that very topic. About my past. About the hurts. About moving on. About trying to let go of the weight that is holding me down.
There have been things popping up lately that have forced me to plant my feet facing forward as I turn to look behind me. As I look at some choices I've made, paths I've taken or not taken, and really wondered if I did the right thing. Wondered if God was there, or was I alone?
Here's what I'm coming to recognize. There is a difference between looking back on your life to remember the choices you've made, to identify the moments of change, to see what's been so you know what to look for ahead of you and looking back to try to relive it or to wallow in the regrets.
Even as I sit here typing I wonder into which of those two I fall into at the moment. Am I glancing back, or looking to change something?
I don't have a time machine and so I am unable to travel back. Back to points in my life where I would have liked to turn left rather than right. Rather have said yes than no. Rather have said something that stood silently.
But all of those moments make me who I am today. And while I'm still wiping the steam off the mirror so I can see just who that person is... I tell myself that there is a reason for these moments. There is a reason that things happen to us.
And while I'm still on the fence about my faith right now, I hope, I have to hope, that soon there will be something that just says to me, "Don't look back. You don't need to change anything. You are Heather, and you are here for a purpose. When you didn't see me or sense that I was there it wasn't because I was hiding or neglecting you. Even when you doubted me, I never doubted you. Because you are worth it. Just the way you are. Even if you don't know what that is."
But until I hear that. Sense that message... feel the spark ignite once again... I wait.
Quotes from the book:
I don’t know what’s happening, God, but you’ve gotten me this far
and I know you won’t leave me…no matter what.
Please let there be a reasonable explanation for
what’s going on and that I haven’t
finally snapped and lost my mind.
Blog Post inspired by Don't Look Back by Lynette Eason.
Title Tuesday: blog posts inspired by the titles of books.