It was an opportunity, or unfortunate short straw depending on how you look at it. But I was the one in focus. I said no. Knowing deep down that if it was best for the team, I would of course say yes. I told my team that I needed time, which they granted me.
That afternoon on my drive home from work, I did something that I'm ashamed to admit I don't do too often. I prayed. I prayed out loud. In a silent car.
I prayed for guidance, for discernment to see what God's call is in the situation. For peace and patience.
It was awkward. It felt so weird And then I felt guilty for feeling so weird. Like somehow that makes me a fake Christian. Or that I never really was one.
Then I feel even more guilt because I feel guilty about feeling weird. Lost in a tumble of guilt, confusion and a sense of awkwardness I don't know what to do. I don't know what is next.
That sense of being on the road, without a map, in the rain, with a hankering for coffee and having no idea where to turn.
I don't like it and I don't know what to do about it.
I want to feel more confident in my faith, particularly my prayer life. But I don't know how.
And the not knowing, admitting to not knowing where to turn, makes me feel like a bad person.
So here I sit, hoping that as I type some clarity will come. Though I sense it won't. I sense this is a discussion I need to have with someone face to face. Who that person is, I don't know.
And there again are three of my least favorite words… I. Don't. Know.
Remember, many things in life can wait,
but taking a moment to acknowledge your feelings,
and The Sunset Won't.