Monday, May 14, 2012

Not Knowing What You Feel

Sometimes people say that when something happens, it happens for a reason.  That sometimes the plans we make for ourselves aren't what is planned for us.

I got a full time job, in the building I teach in currently.  This is great.  But it's in reading intervention, not history.  The interview was strange and there are some other things involved, but I digress.

The point is, I never saw myself as a reading teacher.

While waiting for the interview, I started apartment hunting.  Through my searching I discovered that buying a town home might be more cost effective for me than renting.  So I got REALLY excited about that possibility.  I've spent hours searching for possible places to move to, hoping that when I got a job I could act quickly.

But after going over a faux-budget I don't think I can do it.  (Student loans are SO expensive.)  I don't think I can afford to move out.  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents.  And they renovated part of the basement to give me a room and bathroom to use.  But I feel like I'm outgrowing it.  I'm ready for my own place, my own space.

As I write this I realize a little more than I did before I typed the first words of the post.  I don't know what  I should be feeling right now.  Happy, lucky, gracious that I got a full time job?  Disappointed, bummed, that it isn't a history position?  Lucky that my parents let me live with them?  Upset, let-down that I can't move out on my own?

It feels like a mix of all of those things.  And I'm tired.  My brain feels a little overwhelmed.  I can't decide if I want to laugh or cry.  Or a little of both.

Sometimes your hopes remain just that, hopes.  And dreams, remain dreams.  And wishes, well I'm still waiting for that shooting star to wish upon.

Eventually, I'm sure, I will see the good.  I will see the purpose behind all of it.  But right now?  Right now I'm going to try and let myself be excited, let-down, upset, grateful, sad, and any other emotion that hits me.

Remember, there are always things in life that can wait. 
But the word keeps spinning. 
 The sun will rise, the days goes on. 
Many things can wait, but The Sunset Won't.

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